I guess after 18 years of living and learning I still have trouble being self dependant. I have confidence in my abilities and within the last year I've made strides to improve my self image, but regardless of all this conditioning I still manage to buckle over when someone else doubts me. It's not even that. It's not "doubt" that bothers me but complete disregard. It hurts me to no end when I feel like someone doesn't care what I do, what happens to me, if I'm nice to them, if I'm an asshat, it tears me open when I feel like a person I care about cares nothing about me.

I've never disbelieved the idea of relying on oneself. I know it holds merit and I know that it holds truth but I've never lived by this ideal and I never intend to. I tend to rely on the approval and nod of others and self gratification only comes when I know I'm being a better person than the other guy. Pretty crappy of me, eh? I have a hard time "letting go" of things, with people and with problems. Its not that I hold grudges but that incidents of disregard haunt me. I hate when it's implied that what I do and think doesn't matter because those are the exact questions I was forced to confront regarding my parents while growing up. In retrospect I know its just a clash of cultures. Growing up seeing parents act one way on TV and another in real life confused me to no end and made me question a lot of things that shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.

I guess, to simply put it, I hate it when I realize that people can get on with their daily lives without me. Or, to put it even better, when I find out that their lives can be satisfactory even though things aren't satisfactory between the said person and I. It makes me feel terrible and self doubting because its so hard for me to do the same. I can't put down grudges. I can't cast away fights with a simple "i don't care." I suppose this whole codepenancy issue is something I'll need to work out with myself.

I hate the feeling of stupidity. I hate feeling like I'm less than I'm worth. Why can't I fix myself? Why can't I ignore pain? Others seem to be able to. Others seem to be able to drown things out, find alternate routes, overcome things by self justification. Why can't I just say fuck it and be over things?


Why am I always talking to myself?



This has been the worst birthday week ever. Also, I wish brenton had been there.